what happens when meds arent enough
Imagination and Speculation. Big Words. That is what my mind is filled up with lately. It possibly could be hard core facts that I sit and worry about, but without evidence its only speculation. And without that evidence it leads to a great imagination. My imagination only leads to darkness that I am filled with. FEAR. Being ALone. Abondonment. It is like suitcases and suitcases piled high, like a wall and upon opening each suitcase you come up with a different color and smell of shit. And it permeates everything you have and everything you own. It's even behind your eyes and on the smell of your breath. It leaves a permenant stench on your clothes and a smell behind of everything you touch. Fear. That is what it is. Then you come up with the worse possibilities of "what ifs". It forces the life out of you. Paralyzes you until you choke. SO what do you do? Reach for a narcotic so it can take you into that magical state where you just dont give a shit. Its like "Fairy Dust". Its magical and it takes away the pain - for now. The walls no longer feel like they are closing in. You can begin to breathe. The "Fairy Dust" is good, it helps. That is till it wears off. So just add an addiction to your fear. Take another pill and its ok cause the Doc gave it to you, right? And somewhere in the back of your mind, in the darkest corners, the "Fairy Dust" doesnt reach. And you know that. You can smell it, its still there. Yes, that where fear hides. Knowing that it will come back causes panic and even more fear of the fear. However with me there is no "Fairy Dust". I face it all narcotic free. I dont want another addiction. I cant do that. SO on these days where I am suffering and in pain I just sit with it. Knowing it will go away doesnt really do much for it right this moment. I hold on. I face it head on. SOme say "you are so strong". Thats not strength! I laugh at that. Its the fear of addiction and what would happen to me then? ANd this is where it leads me. Relationships are so hard for me. I am in pain. I often cause my own pain. I wish I could just live in the moment without the imagination and speculation of "what ifs". What if he leaves me? What if he is cheating on me? What if he really doesnt love me? Over and over again in my mind without peace. AND yet I could call my Doc. right now and tell him my thoughts are running and I am feeling physically ill and having a hard time thinking of anything else AND being self destructive on my relationship. He could give me something that would help. I could live in the moment. I could live peacefully without those thoughts running through my head. BUT I would need the help of a narcotic. If I dont take it I will end up losing my relationship yet again. ANd this isnt any relationship its someone I really love and have alot in common. For the first time ever in a relationship the sex is so good I dont want another man. Yeah really that good! SO how in the hell do I stop the vicious cycle that continues to leave me all alone and un-happy? SHIT if I know anymore.